Love and Logic offers guidance to parents
Program urges adults to direct a child in how to solve their own problemsBy EMILY BERG/Staff Writer, Daily Press
APPLE VALLEY - Nicole Saenz has taken a new approach when speaking to her three children that has relieved a lot of her stress.Rather than disciplining or yelling at her children when they don't do what they're supposed to, she lets them deal with the consequences on their own.
"They own their own problems," Saenz said. "It's no longer your problem, it's their's."
For example, her 9-year-old son has an allotted time to do his homework each day. Rather than nagging him, she lets him choose to do it or not. If he doesn't do his homework, he faces the consequences at school the next day or is unable to participate in a family activity such as watching a movie that only kids who complete their homework can participate in, Saenz said.
The philosophy is part of the Love and Logic program implemented at the Lewis Center for Educational Research's charter school the Academy for Academic Excellence. Saenz works for the University of Redlands located at the center and attends the weekly sessions on the program the center offers for parents.
"It's just really effective in making your children more responsible," Saenz said.
The school started the program this school year to ensure students came to school ready to learn. They also wanted a program that would reduce the time teachers spend managing students and controlling the classroom to give them more time to teach, said Paul Rosell, the school psychologist and director of special needs for the center.
The program urges adults to direct a child in how to solve their own problems, such as forgetting to do their homework, rather than lecturing and disciplining them for the problem, Rosell said.
"We believe it's the consequence, the by-product of the decision, is where the learning takes place," he said.
When a child has a problem, the adult shows empathy. Rather than being mad, the adult is sad the child is in that situation. Then they send an empowering message to the student asking them how they're going to handle the problem. The adult can offer suggestions of how others have handled the same problem and then ask the child which option will work for them, Rosell said.
"You actually become a consultant to the child or individual in solving their own problem," he said.
Rosell doesn't have statistics showing the program is working, but parents, teachers and students are seeing changes. Parents and teachers say they are less stressed trying to fix all the students' problems, and the students are having fewer problems because they're becoming more responsible, Rosell said.
The consequence is different from a punishment, because a punishment comes from authority to make the student feel bad so they won't repeat a behavior. This often makes children resentful and sneaky, Rosell said.
Rather than deal with their problem the child will lie. Statistics show that 60 percent of the time they'll get away with the lie, Rosell said.
"They have found the odds are better if they lie," he said.
Kids also learn to argue with their parents to get them to solve their problem. If a child can explain their life is bad enough because of their mistake, the parent will come in and rescue them, Rosell said.
"It's a learned helpless cycle," he said.
The center holds the parent meetings 9:30 to 11 a.m. on Wednesdays. For more information, call 946-5414.
Used with permission by Daily Press, Freedom Communication, 2005